GO TELL MOM Ep5 – Mom’s Day Out
My daughter told me after she went off to college that she doesn’t plan to have kids. Ever. “I’m not willing to give up that much of my life,” she said emphatically. “I’ll be the favorite aunt, and I’ll love hanging out with them, but I don’t want to raise them.”
Wow. Big sigh from Mom after that. Especially since I know she doesn’t want to grow up in my life. The mom who rarely went out, except with the kids. Whose friends were at work or shepherding their own kids at kids events she attended.
After I had kids, Girls Night Out was a rare thing. My ex and I didn’t do Date Night either, like so many of my grounded couple friends did, because we went to so many work events as a “couple.” And clearly that was a bad example for my daughter.
So, I’m going to focus on something in this podcast that may save the dream of grandchildren you have in your head. Mom’s Day Out. You see, if your daughter sees you taking time for yourself in a way that does not include flaking out on the couch and watching Netflix, she might actually think being a child-rearing grownup is cool.
My problem was that with my husband’s and my radio career, we didn’t stay in a place long enough to make close friends. When we lived in one southern city, we found a great neighborhood where our toddlers made friends instantly with the kids across the street. There were a lot of Navy families there, so the moms understood the moving from place to place thing. And they invited me to play Bunco with them. It was once a month, it was wacky, and it was girls only. Every month it was at a different house. We had competitions and prizes and snacks and so much laughter. And of course, we shared gossip about what was going on in town and in our neighborhood. Whose dog had a love affair with another neighbor’s trash can, which group of guys got together to trap an armadillo who decided to have a family under a bush outside the living room…that kind of thing. I hadn’t had that kind of connection with a group of women since my single days. I loved it.
And a year-and-a-half later, we moved. The kids cried, I cried, and my spouse waved goodbye enthusiastically, ready for greener grass in a new yard.
It was nearly a decade before I found that kind of companionship again. And my daughter was growing up, noticing that.
Again, I had friends at work, but we rarely hung out together; they had their own established friendships, and I was a mom with kids and a demanding schedule.
A recent study cited in theconverstion.com says new moms sought out leisure and physical activities to minimize stress, decrease their anxiety, and increase self-esteem. And those activities could benefit not-so-new moms, too. It’s all about making the time…and giving yourself permission to take it.
How much “me time” is healthy? A recent NBC report says the sweet spot for extra free time is about three and a half hours per day. But it needs to be used productively, or you’re not satisfied with it. At least, according to the latest study they reported. Another study says you need some time when you are just reading that novel you just picked up, or chilling and watching Netflix. The show YOU want to watch, not the one your significant other chooses, saying “You don’t mind if we watch this, do you?” If he’s talking about Impractical Jokers and you’re in the mood for Bridgerton, it’s not gonna feel like “me” time. It may be a family bonding moment, but it’s not “me” time.
This is why the “productive me time” idea is so appealing…you’re usually doing something away from the house that’s good for you. I remember talking to the president of the MOMS Club just outside of Atlanta. The mom of a toddler and active 5-year-old rarely gets a moment in low gear. But when she did, she had had a plan. “I like doing picnics in those rare segments of free time,” she told me. “But what I really love is to go to a day spa. Sometimes I’ll get a manicure or pedicure, and then a massage.” Notice none of these things involved staying at home.
Home leads to ideas of chores. There’s always laundry to be done, rugs to be vacuumed, dinner to be made, gardens to be weeded. There’s a reason why an observant young daughter would think you’re not getting time off for good behavior.
You don’t have to do these things alone, either. A salon near the mom president’s neighborhood has moms come in for “spa parties” now and then, “and they have a great time together,” she says.
Don’t have the spare cash for that? Why not plan a “spa day” with a group of moms from one of your kids’ groups, and do it at your house…while the dads take charge of the kids at someone else’s house?
For me, bonding with other moms was one of those things I yearned for as we leaped from city to city. It makes you feel normal, like a person, instead of just someone’s mom or spouse or coworker. The MOMS Club president told me they had a Moms’ Night Out once a month. “We have dinners, movies, painting, and do the occasional manicures and pedicures and massages.”
There are other “me time” moments that are relatively inexpensive. Learningresources.com suggests taking a walk, around the block, the park…take your time, and notice what’s blooming or flowing or growing in your neighborhood.
Browsing a bookstore is always fun, especially if you grab a fellow bibliophile to join you on your literary exploration. Personally, I go for used book stores, so I can buy more books cheap. Or you can hit the library, find a cozy corner and read!
Maybe meet a friend for coffee on the way. (Coffee’s a lot cheaper than lunch, and let’s face it, we all go through the phases where we look at something we’d love to buy and think, but Mavis needs music lessons! And take a pass.)
Oh, speaking of lessons…how about YOU take some? You know, yoga, gourmet cooking, finger painting, piano. Find a rec center that offers something fun on a budget, and make friends with your classmates. Have a conversation with a fellow grown up.
I have some friends now that I’m semi-empty nesting, and we took a hike one Saturday at one of our local parks. Another time we went to the Farmer’s Market. Great fresh produce, pretty plants, even some lunch available at some stalls. It’s something different from sitting at home and folding socks.
There are some cities that have Mother’s Day Out programs that let you sign up any time of the year. Verywellfamily.com points out that you park the kids while you do it, giving the small fry a chance to interact, have fun and even learn, while you get to discover your own interests.
How do you figure out which program is the best for your child and your schedule? Well, here’s another “me time” opportunity: find an online moms group and chat. Do it during your library or coffee shop visit, where the kids are not going to be carving into that me time, and you can let your hair down about your concerns. Trust me, lots of moms are going through what you’re going through, and everyone feels better about themselves when they can help someone else avoid a pitfall. You might even find someone to have coffee with.
Right, now, how to schedule that break time. Because, let’s face it, we have to schedule it or it’s not going to happen. It’s like my non-existent date night. If you don’t plan a day, and an activity, ahead of time, it won’t happen. You’ll be asked to do something at the last minute, and you won’t have an excuse to say no. You won’t say, “Oh, I’m sorry I can’t stay an extra hour to redo your programming assignment because I have plans.” Or, “I’m sorry, I have plans, I won’t be able to bake those 52-dozen cupcakes for class.” Or, there won’t be a sitter available for you to make your escape for an hour or two.
If you really don’t think you have that free time – that me time – find a way to create it. Figure out how to work smarter and save more time…maybe by getting Dad to do the vacuuming while watching Impractical Jokers while you’re baking two dinners at the same time and freezing one. Amazingly, I got the hang of that after I moved into my own place. But it definitely will work for prepping family meals. Just make twice as much and freeze half.
One thing I will give myself credit for on the chore side is making my kids and my ex do their own laundry. That definitely helped give me some extra time…and they only had themselves to blame if they ended up with pink underwear.
You’re a general when it comes to getting your kids ready for school, ready for bed, scheduling play dates. Now it’s time to be a general about making time for your own playdate. Research shows mom burnout makes you tense, depressed, overwhelmed – not good, for you or for your family.
Do yourself a favor and take time to relax every day. Your grandchildren may be at stake.