How many times have you seen your child do something that hurts someone…and you needed to bring it to your child’s attention? Yeah, you’re nodding. So am I. And I’ve been that kid, too.
Kids don’t always realize careless actions have consequences. Like a neighbor they respect avoiding them. Or a classmate turning their back on them at lunch. Or worse yet, that classmate scowling at them and whispering in another classmate’s ear. No guess required about who’s the topic.
Hey, accidents can happen, and sometimes children don’t realize another child was hurt. Gently pointing it out to your kid that the other kid is bleeding – figuratively or literally – will probably result in something like, “Oh no, are you okay?” That’s if your kid has any amount of consideration toward fellow humans…and that takes time to develop, especially for toddlers. But what if they shrug it off, or worse yet, say, “It’s his fault!” when, from your viewpoint, the other party did nothing to prompt the pain?
If they’re part of the two-and-under crowd, pointing out the other party did nothing to deserve injury may be as simple as telling the kid, “No, that was HIS toy. Ripping it out of his hand was not nice. How would you feel if he ripped your favorite toy out of your hand? Now say you’re sorry.” Which can result in a) your kid apologizing. Or b) your kid refusing to apologize. At that point, I would be removing my child, apologizing to the other child’s parent, saying, “Well, it seems we’re not ready to be a good playmate today. I hope you’ll let us try another time.” And departing. And turning deaf ears to the whining and complaining on the way home, and any ancillary tantrum that happened on the way to the child’s room, where they were told they would be staying until they were ready to be nice again. My kids were pretty social, so the “I’ll be nice!” refrain from their room – in a teary voice – would pop up within minutes of their deposit on their bed. I’d tell the child in remorse that they would have to say “sorry” to their friend if they wanted to play with them again. After a stint in their room, they were usually willing to do so.
Kids need to learn how to apologize, according to a report in Psychology Today. It’s an important part of maintaining relationships. Of course, I’m not so sure the psychologist would be in favor of me having my child “think about their behavior” in their room, but honestly, I think kids need to understand that the privilege of company is not extended to a child behaving like a brat. Not that you should call your kid a brat, but you can refer to “company manners” – which is what my mom used to call them when my siblings and I started to behave like brats and she wanted us to play nice.
Mom was also very big on apologies. If you did something wrong, you said you were sorry. And if you didn’t say you were sorry, Mom made sure you were sorry you didn’t apologize. No dessert, no special treat…she’d bullseye some target that was exactly what you didn’t want to miss. But truly, the worst thing she could do was say, “I’m very disappointed in you.” Mom was the sun of our solar system growing up, and, not to sound too much like a cliché, you always wanted the sun to shine on you.
Psychology Today says effective apologies make people feel heard and valued. For young kids, when a playmate apologizes, it makes the kid feel like the apologizer is a nicer person. And kids like to hang out with kids who are nice, especially before all those clique factors come into play.
But if the kid REALLY wants to make an impact, the child makes amends. If they cut their pal’s hand while yanking a toy away, they go get a bandage. They give them one of their cookies. They do something to show they’re sorry, not just say the words. Parents can help their kids learn these skills by prompting them in the moment. “You know, there are two cookies on your plate. I bet Devin would feel better with one of those cookies.” Dieticians, just…plug your ears when I say that. Maybe it’s letting their little pal take a spin on their new bike, or teaching them a song they just learned. Amends is a great way to bond.
Parents, the kids will be looking at you when it comes to behavior. Kids learn from adults how to repair relationships, according to verywellfamily.com. You have to make it clear the bad behavior was wrong, or you’re letting them think it doesn’t matter if they behave. You want to empower your child to see themself as a generous person who can make things better when they’ve done something wrong or hurtful. Hence, the making amends.
Your role as a parent should be to help your child realize their actions caused another child to get hurt (either physically or emotionally), and then, begin the process of having your child accept responsibility and feel accountable for the situation…and figure out how to change their perspective in the future.
Okay, just a short aside here…your embarrassment as a parent should not be a factor in this. Yes, of COURSE you’re going to be embarrassed when the kid does something that is not polite or kind in front of another adult…but this is a teaching situation for your kid. Not an easing-of-parental-embarrassment situation. Kids hopefully learn from their mistakes. I remember back when I was in elementary school and my catechism teacher made a big deal out of stores using “X-mas” instead of “Christmas” in their sales signs. So, I was riding in the car with my dad, and I saw a sign for “X-mas” trees at the local gas station. The guy that owned it was friendly with dad, so I thought it was okay to say, “You know, having a sign saying X-mas trees takes the Christ out of Christmas.” Yes, I was a good little parrot. But it embarrassed my dad. When we got home, he ordered me to walk down to the gas station and apologize to the owner for being rude. Which I did, with much humiliation. But the guy was always super nice, and he just grinned and said, “Don’t worry about it, kid.”
What did I learn from this? Think before I speak? Nope (not sure I ever learned that!) Not to take what my teachers said as Gospel? You got it. Not something my Catechism teacher would have been happy to hear. But the fact that the gas station owner was genial about my apology made an impression on me about tolerance.
Kids are impressionable. I’m not sure I did everything right when it came to raising mine, especially when it came to apologies. When you’re a working mom, you don’t see what’s happening with your children 24-7. Heck, NO parent does, whether they’re stay-at-home or in the office during the day. All you can do is see how your children behave with others when you’re near them.
Do they say “please” and “thank you?” Do they let their friends take a turn? Do they try to be kind? Kindness can actually be taught, according to biglifejournal.com. There’s a difference between “nice” and “kind.” “Nice” is doing what’s expected to please those around you. “Kind” is showing empathy and being willing to stand up for what’s right. Biglifejournal says using the THINK method can put your kid on track to being kind.
When you’re about to speak, ask yourself: Is it true? Is it helpful? Is it inspiring? Is it necessary? Is it kind? (By kind, it appears they mean does it make the person you’re speaking to feel positive?)
Is your kid learning this stuff from you or from those who look after them when you’re not there? If they are, you’re a lot less likely to need to teach them the art of the apology. They’ll be developing an instinct for avoiding hurting others.
My kids were in preschool when they were three. I wanted them to have early education, and I wanted them to be able to interact with other kids. I also knew the preschool teachers were very vigilant about sharing and manners…so if they told me my child needed to share, that was the conversation in the car ride home. I’d ask them if they liked the person they were playing with, and most of the time they said they did. Then I asked them if they wanted that person to like them. And I’d get another yes.
Now, please understand, my kids are eighteen months apart. They had their own toys, and they had shared toys. So my next question was, how much did they like their sibling when their sibling wouldn’t let them play with a toy. Silence. Direct hit. Then, “Oh. I should say sorry to Sydney, huh?” “Yes, that would be the right thing to do. But how about offering to let Sydney take a turn with the toy next time?” I’ve been blessed with logical offspring, so the idea clicked. Maybe not every time, but I stopped hearing about “sharing” problems. And, my kid learned how to apologize and make amends.
There have been so many complaints I’ve read in social media about parents who refused to believe their kids do anything wrong. I’m not sure that’s the problem. I think it’s that parents don’t consistently teach their kid to make amends for what they do wrong. It’s more than just saying “sorry” because it’s expected. It’s following through and making the child put themselves in the other child’s shoes.
Putting yourself in another’s shoes can prevent you from alienating yourself from your schoolmates. It can also help you grow up to be the ideal workmate and family member.