GO TELL MOM ep. 9 – WARDING OFF BULLIES WITH FRIENDS
Since the beginning of time, some of the weaker have been victimized by some of the stronger. Usually starting with siblings. My brother and I used to get into major brawls over toys when we were toddlers…which usually ended up with a paddling from Mom or Dad. Most kids get teased by a sibling or a friend at some point. It’s not usually harmful when done in a playful, friendly, and mutual way, and both kids find it funny. We didn’t always get the humor when we were little.
We eventually outgrew bullying each other. By the time we hit grade school we were no longer hitting each other, physically or verbally. In fact, we became friends in high school all the way through college. That’s not to say we didn’t play the occasional prank on each other, which we usually regretted – not because of fear of a paddling, but because we genuinely didn’t want to hurt each other at that point. Empathy had started to kick in, which it tends to do as kids navigate through their teens. We each had bullies to deal with outside the house, so we tended to be a united front once we left the front porch.
Most of the bullying we dealt with early on was because we were the new kids in school and in the neighborhood. We moved when I was heading into third grade and my brother was going into first. It was minor stuff, compared with what today’s kids deal with…name calling, tripping, that kind of thing. Once we settled in and were “accepted,” the more intelligent among our classmates knocked it off. And the others, we didn’t care about. We didn’t go through the “Biff picking on George in Back to the Future” stuff. But it wasn’t fun.
We didn’t have social media back then. The World Wide Web puts today’s kids in a much tougher position. Publicschoolreview.com says there are several types of bullying today’s kids face: physical bullying – with hitting, kicking or tripping; verbal bullying – with incessant teasing, name calling and slurs; and cyber bullying – where kids are tormented through cell phones and the internet. The Mayo Clinic says kids may experience more than one of those type of bully patterns. And cyber bullying is invasive. In fact, psychologist think it’s one of the reasons some kids commit suicide. They can be reached in what should be their sanctuary – their home.
As a parent, you have to be vigilant when it comes to protecting your kids against cyber bullying. I didn’t allow my kids to have their own cell phones until they turned 18. There was a cheap flip phone that they got to take to school if they needed to call for a ride, from rehearsals or practice. It landed back in the charger in the kitchen as soon as they got home. I wasn’t about to let them be victimized by someone who resented their talent – which happened to my daughter in middle school – so no phone access for kids causing trouble. My kids couldn’t have social media until their senior year in high school…and my son wasn’t that interested in having it, anyway.
They each had their own bullies to deal with in middle school, and I didn’t always hear about it. Education.com says that’s not unusual – kids are often reluctant to mention bullies to a parent, for fear of being accused of “tattling.” In fact, one time when I wanted to talk to my son’s teacher about a situation where I suspected he was being bullied, he talked me out of it. At this point, he – just like my brother – went through a growth spurt, which no doubt discouraged the short bullies from getting on his case. Not all kids grow to be six feet tall in high school.
The presence of a bully in a school can transform what should be a constructive learning environment into a scary place for kids. Some of the warning signs for parents are when a kid comes home with missing or damaged personal items, or takes a different route home, or has few friends, or comes up with reasons to stay home from school, or seems depressed after school, or starts performing poorly in school.
Why does a kid bully other kids? I found out later that one of the kids that bullied me as a child was actually going through a lot of tough stuff at home, where this kid was the victim. We wound up being pretty good friends in high school, after the home situation straightened out. The Monique Burr Foundation for Children says one of the most frequently cited reasons that bullies strike out at other kids is because they’re insecure, and it makes them feel better about themselves, like they have control over something.
Why do kids become the target of bullies? Sometimes it’s because they isolate themselves from their peers. I would read a book during study time and literally block out everything around me, and not notice my classmates. Sometimes the kids targeted are sensitive or anxious, which other kids might interpret as weak. For a bully, it’s much easier to dominate someone who is withdrawn, usually alone, sensitive and/or anxious, than someone who is outgoing, surrounded by friends and confident.
How do you prevent bullying? MBF Prevention Education suggests working with both bullies and victims…teaching bullies to be empathetic and helping them learn that feelings of jealousy, entitlement and power/control can have potentially negative consequences from an early age. Also, teaching kids targeted by bullies how to better read social cues, solve social conflicts and develop a network of supportive people.
As a parent, let your kid know they can go to an adult if they can’t handle a bully on their own. When there’s an incident, talk promptly to your child’s principal or teacher. Most schools have anti-bullying policies and programs.
It’s also helpful to get your child involved in outside activities where they can make friends. Not all kids gravitate to the same activities, though. My brother was into scouts and sports, which helped him develop a circle of friends. Not me. But I was into theatre and cheerleading, which helped this introvert become more outgoing. Many of my pals in drama club in middle school were my tribe in high school. As kidshealth.org puts it, “avoid the bully and use the buddy system.” Having a circle of friends makes kids less likely to be a target.
Encourage your kid not to give in to their temper when they’re picked on, even if it seems justified. Bullies thrive on that – and when I lost mine after a bout of name-calling in elementary school, I was the one that got in trouble. Which of course encouraged them to pick on me even more. There’s nothing wrong with just walking away. By ignoring the bully, you're showing their words bounce off you.
CBS News has advice for cyberbullying: keep your kids off of “online neighborhoods.” There are social sites online, such as FormSpring.me and StickyDramas, that feature little monitoring and become a hornet’s nest of bad online behavior. When they were in high school, I made sure I had access to my kids’ social media accounts. I told them they couldn’t have those accounts if they didn’t “friend” me. I also had the password to their phone, which, yes, I checked regularly to make sure nothing snarky was texted to them. No, I didn’t give a damn about their “privacy” when it came to warding off any adolescent threats.
No matter what form the bullying takes, dealing with it can hurt a kid’s confidence. As a parent, it’s on you to recognize what’s going on and encourage your child to hang out with other kids who have a positive influence. Which is exactly what my parents did. Mom also made a point of sitting down with me right before homework, usually at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee, and asking me what happened with my day. It would start out with what problems I had tackled and how I dealt with them, and ended up with the good things that happened.
Kids need to know you’re listening, to both the good and the bad. Then you can redirect them toward the positive. When I’d pick up my kids from whatever after-school activity they had, I’d ask how their day went. And then I’d ask, “What was the best part of your day?” If their monologue, up til that point, had been sad, taking a moment to find something good seemed to perk up their spirits. Making sure your kids know you believe in them can help get them through the low points in their day…even bullying.
This is Go Tell Mom.
Now joining us on Go Tell Mom is Lori Meyer, who’s worked with special needs kids as an educator. We’re talking about dealing with bullies today.