Go Tell Mom
Go Tell Mom
Go Tell Mom s3e1 - Handling Heartache
Dianna Kelly and Sheri Waltz debate how to help kids handle disappointment.
Child Mind Institute on listening and coping skills for parents: https://childmind.org/article/how-to-help-your-kids-handle-disappointment/
Centervention.com on creating a coping sheet: https://www.centervention.com/dealing-with-disappointment-lesson-and-printable/
Everydayspeech.com on coping activities: https://everydayspeech.com/blog-posts/no-prep-social-skills-sel-activity/
GO TELL MOM s3 e1 – Handling Heartache
Is it ever easy to see your kids grapple with disappointment? I remember as a kid, my dad’s company would rent out an amusement park for families one day a year. I wasn’t particularly big on fast rides, but I loved the family outing and the train rides. One summer, we had a biiiiiiig thunderstorm the morning we were supposed to go on the company outing, and my brother, sister and I were really bummed.
Mom and Dad handled it with an all-day Monopoly game and a picnic on our screened porch. It POURED on the other side of the screen, and there were bolts of lightning darting across the sky, but we had a great time. In fact, to this day, I love watching thunderstorms from a covered porch. Mom even popped popcorn, which, of course, we proceeded to throw at each other during the game, when we landed on each other’s property.
That was a minor disappointment. The major one was earlier when Dad first got the new job in a new state and we had to move. My sister was still a toddler then, so she wasn’t as bummed out, and my brother made a new best friend pretty quickly in our new town, but I was devastated leaving my friends behind. I cried all day after we moved in. My parents made friends with a family up the street, and I ended up making friends with one of the girls my age, but it’s never the same.
Child Mind Institute says it’s important for parents to be compassionate when your kid is hit with a letdown. You may not be able to fix the situation to your kid’s satisfaction, but you can listen and acknowledge their frustration and disappointment. Clinical social worker Carey Werley says drilling down on the specifics of what your child is most disappointed about is helpful. And don’t judge their reactions. Reassure them that you’re proud of them for dealing with the loss of things that were important to them. Let them know that eventually their current situation will change, and there’s still a lot to look forward to. Ask them what helps them most to get used to the disappointment, and share your own coping skills.
Centervention.com suggests coming up with a worksheet for dealing with disappointments, and having the kids write some ideas for digging out of it.
Disappointment is a natural and inevitable part of life, everydayspeech.com points out. By understanding how to refocus their minds when feeling disappointed, kids can develop resilience and adapt to challenges more effectively. One of the things they suggest doing is having the child create a “disappointment balloon” in their head, and imagine they’re holding it. The balloon represents their disappointment. They take a deep breath, imagining disappointment filling the balloon. Then ask them to imagine releasing the balloon into the sky, watching it float away. Imagine how it feels letting go of it.
An exercise like that gives the kid a feeling of a little more control over their emotions. Then you can jump into something that makes them feel better about where they’re at.
Mind you, this works better when you’re dealing with younger kids. What happens when they’re older? When your kid doesn’t make the team, but their best friend does? Happened to me in my senior year in high school. My mom pointed out to me that I really didn’t have time to learn all the drills, since I was going to be running the yearbook and doing half a dozen other things to make my college applications look good. My heart still hurt, but I understood the practicality of it. I made new friends with my new project, and Mom made sure they all came over to the house after school to work on it. She was supportive, but she wasn’t about to let me wallow. As she’d put it, “Laugh and the world laughs with you…but cry, and baby, you cry alone.” In other words, suck it up, Buttercup. Other kids wish they had your advantages.
When you reach adulthood, it can get harder for parents. You can’t fix the world for them, and honestly, you shouldn’t try. Your grown-up kids apply for jobs they don’t get…have heartbreaks…have fights with their best friend. I made the mistake a couple of times of trying to share my “look for the bright side” attitude with my daughter after a broken engagement, and she said she didn’t want to be told what to do, even though she knew I loved her.
Sometimes you have to let your kids figure out their own way, while making them understand that you empathize, and you’re there for them.
