GO TELL MOM – s4e6 - When Bad Things Happen to Good Kids
Parenthood can be a challenge, even with the things you can control. But what happens when your kid gets hit with a trauma no one could anticipate?
I remember moving to a new school system when I was in elementary school, and it rained for three days. And I cried for three days. I had a hard time making friends, and I just lost all the friendships I’d managed to make for as far back as I could remember.
Mom and Dad tried to mitigate the pain by letting me go camping at Cape Cod with pals from my soon-to-be-former neighborhood. Mom encouraged me to write to my friends. She also encouraged me to write to my grandmothers, knowing that I loved reading and made up a lot of stories in my head. But it wasn’t an easy experience, even with her suggestions.
I wound up in a new school with a teacher who was stuck with a 31st student in a class meant for only 30. It was an accelerated track, and I guess I tested into it. I spent the year being tweaked by my teacher for my shortcomings in front of my classmates, and that led to classmates thinking it was open season. Same story for my brother when she had him in class. By the time my sister landed in her class and got the same treatment, Mom decided enough was enough and had a chat with the principal.
The CDC says difficult experiences happen to many children—and supportive adults make a tremendous difference in how they recuperate. Families who create safe, stable, and nurturing relationships give kids a consistent family life where they feel safe, taken care of and supported. My mom made a point of having milk and cookies after school – coffee when I was older – and conversations about what happened during the day.
Healthychildren.org points to how kids develop resilience to rise above difficult circumstances, while moving forward with optimism and confidence. They encourage parents to spark moments of connection…and yes, they point to reading, only in their case, it’s shared book reading, which my mom did with all of us as youngsters.
They also suggest tagging your pediatrician for help. Pediatricians are trained to not only monitor your kid's physical growth, but also their social-emotional health. The docs can help you build your "team" and support system―whether your child is relatively healthy, has ongoing developmental or behavioral concerns, or your family is going through hard times. They also want to know how you are doing, not just your kid. You’re part of the supportive team, too! When you, as a parent, share what’s going on within your family, it helps pediatricians understand why the child may have adjustment problems.
Fred Rogers famously said, “Look for the helpers.” How can we be the helper for a child who is having the worst week of their life? Early Learning Children’s Academy points out that we, as parents, play a key role in teaching our kids how to handle difficult days.
It starts out with listening – like my mom’s afterschool chats. The channel was always open for good news or bad. Allow your kid to spell out what is wrong without interrupting or putting your spin on the situation. Give them some compassion when they’re done. And a hug would not go amiss.
None of us wants to imagine a child we love facing heartbreak, illness, bullying, loss, or disappointment. Yet every family eventually discovers that we can't protect our children from every storm. What we can do is help them find hope, resilience, and the people who will walk beside them. Today, Sheri Waltz and I are talking about what happens when bad things happen to good kids—and how love, faith, and community can make all the difference.
